Possible scenarios in which I would wear bicolor flat women’s oxfords a la this Tapeet by Vicini model ($499 at Zappos):

1. I am an extra in a remake of The Untouchables. In drag.

2. They are offered to me as a “designer rental” option at a bowling alley.

3. I was asked by a famous photographer to pose as a man so I can be featured in his next show (a la Charlotte in Sex and the City).

4. I have to choose between them or 6-inch hooker heels to fast-walk on cobbled streets in a charming mountain resort in Europe. I choose personal safety, but I’m not happy about it.

5. It’s Halloween, and I’m going as the Chicago cast.

6. I am part of the cast of a bizarre reality show in which I have to spend 10 million dollars in 1 hour. I buy everything on the Zappos website, and these are in the mix.

7. I am a model on the catwalk and that’s what a gender-bending transgressive designer wants me to wear.

8.  I have been hit in the head repeatedly and I have no sense of right, wrong, or style.

But really, I’m running out of options here. I am tapped out. I cannot think of any more respectable situations in which I could be persuaded to wear these. I’m sorry, flat oxford movement, but I’m guessing you’re not for me.

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I was browsing the shoe stores these days and was dazed with the possibilities and styles, and it got me thinking: what if I had to rebuild my shoe wardrobe from scratch? What if I had nothing, absolutely nothing to wear, and I would be forced to order shoes from one place and one place only to save me from this disgrace? (In this fantasy of mine, I don’t have shoes but I have plenty of money left to buy whatever I want. Ahem. Work with me here.). So I decided to create this little mind experiment and rebuild my wardrobe from scratch using one shoe store at a time. I need to cover my bases–I need dress shoes, warm-weather shoes, casual shoes, dog-walking shoes, career shoes, evening shoes, sensible shoes. Right? Right.

The first obvious place is, of course, Zappos. Here’s what I would pick up there, for starters, for the spring-summer season:

1. A. Testoni Giancarla red patent loafers, $376.

2. Michael Kors Palm Springs yellow patent flats, $400.  

3. Sigerson Morrison gold kitten-heeled sandals, $443.

4. Sergio Rossi Origami kitten heel pumps, $500.

5. Helle Comfort Ollie wedge, $160.

6. Ecco Performance Yarrah, $104.

7. Marc Jacobs color-block flat sandals, $353.

8. Delman Crest-V bejeweled velvet flat, $354.

9. Kate Spade Juliette open-toe slingbacks, $274.

10. Cole Haan Air Gabi boat shoe, $158.

11. Taryn Rose Daelyn gunmetal metallic wedges, $495.

 12. Christian Lacroix bejeweled kitten heels, $717.

13. Adidas by Stella McCartney sport flats, $100.

14. Tapeet by Vicini silver and gold flats, $400.

15. Dolce & Gabbana floral canvas flats, $330.

16. Juicy Coutoure Lillian espadrilles, $230.

17. Giuseppe Zanotti Mirror Lilia open-toe flats, $454.

18. Paul Green ‘Soul’ in leopard, $237 (although, shame on you, Zappos: the same shoe is half off at Piperlime! I guess it would be a good time to call them on it and get that 10% off the lowest price you can find on the Internet, right?)

19. Paul Smith Laney floral espadrille, $178.

Mmmmm….I’m drunk with shoes right now… I think I’m going to lie down, or I’ll buy all of them right now! Wait, I won’t: the grand total for this “starter” wardrobe is (drum roll): $6263. Over six thousand dollars. I probably went all crazy in the Couture section of Zappos, but I couldn’t help myself!

Later this week I’ll explore more eye-candy at other stores, and what it would take to get a “starter” spring-summer shoe wardrobe there. Stay tuned!

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Everyone loves booties this season, don’t they.  The flat boot is a mark of hot style.

Take this sleek black number from Tapeet (on sale for $437.50 down from $625).

Very nice, no?

And as proof that this is yet another fashion that has come in and out of style for a long long time, take a gander at these damask “gaiter boots” from Regency England (courtesy of Vintage Textile).

Couldn’t you almost see these being sold today?  The leather cap-toe, the patterned damask fabric.  The lace up the inside.  They even have a history that fits with the way fashion trends work now.  The name and style comes from spats (or gaiters), which were worn first by military men to protect their boots from getting all muddy.  But when the style was adopted into gaiter boots, they were made daintier and more refined looking and lost the functional possibility of tromping through the mud a la Elizabeth Bennet.

And people still do the same thing today.  Think about the ballet flat.  It’s inspired by a ballet shoe, but  when was the last time you actually saw someone walking down the street in these?

Likewise with the oxford (and by extension, this season’s hot shoe-booties) and its relation to jazz dance shoes.  No one wanders around like this on the street.

So, hats (or should I say spats?) off to repurposing and recycling great fashion trends from history.

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The Neiman Marcus Last Call Clearance Sale is in its early days, and yes, I suggest you get in there early and grab it while you can. Sizes are limited, of course, so you’d better hurry!

I love these Pedro Garcia low-heeled peep-toe gold pumps with crystal detailing, now $149 (down from $425):

These adorable Tapeet satin Mary Janes have always been one of my favorites, and now they’re on sale, $114, down from $360: 

I’ve coveted these Loeffler Randall metallic silver distressed leather flats all season long, and now they’re finally on sale, $126 down from $360, but alas, only in a size 8:

Finally, I’ve admired the models of this new up-and-coming designer, Alejandro Ingelmo, especially his beautifully and loosely woven strappy sandals with metallic piping and timeless, sophisticated appeal. Now they’re actually affordable, with this classic black sandal only $138, down from $395:

Happy bargain shopping, shoe lovers!

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