Valentino. Icon of the fashion world. Highest echelon of beauty and glamour. Purveyors of class, elegance, and the most painful shoes ever.

I am not speaking generally, of course. Generally, I can only assume that Valentino’s footwear has both the looks and the comfort, or at least some semblance of it. But specifically, there are a certain style of stilettos that torture the wearer.

The Valentino showroom in midtown Manhattan is a veritable fashion Mecca. This is where the brand holds showroom appointments. These exclusive meetings allow potential buyers to view the new collection on models, up close and personal. Models are booked to show the entire collection in whatever combination the boutique and upscale department store buyers choose. For the models, the involves racing back and forth from the Valentino closet to the showroom hundreds of times over the course of a few days. This is where the footwear comes in. Usually the designers choose a fairly neutral heel from their own line so that buyers will not be distracted by the shoes.

Here are the shoes that the models wore at Valentino:

Valentino

They may look innocent, but the rare Valentino Python Pump is a fearful creature. It surrounds your unsuspecting foot with it’s rock-hard leather and unpadded instep. You will flinch as your toes are squeezed in an inhuman toe box! You will scream us you realize that the extreme height of the heel makes your toes carry all your weight! You will cringe as the sharp edges bite into your foot. These models had to cover a lot of ground in these suckers and each of them was literally bleeding by the end. I considered including photos of their mangled feet, but I thought some of you might be eating.

It just goes to show, a lot of these shoes that we covet when we see them on stars are really for photos and premieres ONLY. They just ain’t built for walking.

Here are some photos of the other shoes in the showroom (just for fun). These were much more comfortable, but not used for this season.

Valentino Patent Bow Shoes

 

Valentino Lattice Shoes

Valentino Gold Disco Ball Shoes

Why does the pretty always have to come with the pain?

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Growing up, my mom forewarned me to stay away from mixing patterns.  She does not have issues with the trend and certainly believed that, if done right, it could open up an outfit to a number of creative, fun, and finished looks.  However, she understood me well - I was, and in many ways still am, a fashion novice.   Had I decided to mix up my patterned clothing, it is likely that I would have looked like I had dressed in the dark.

And that’s my first impression when I saw these Louis Vuitton Olivia pumps ($680 at Eluxury).  The effort was admirable, but mixing patterns is so difficult to do right. Most attempts, like this one, are pretty bad.    Colorwise, the concoction works for me - the leaves on the floral print are of a similar earthy hue to the brown cap toe.  However, the striped cap toe is incredibly distracting and does not gel with the flowery print.  The net effect is a floral pattern that looks like old wallpaper and a captoe that resembles cardboard paper.  It’s incredibly mismatched for me so this is one luxury item I feel like I can do without.

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In a bad economy, invest in some low-priced stock! There are various sales to be had on Louboutins. It almost makes me sad to see such beautiful shoes have to be marked down because of a lack of sales, but use it to your advantage!

These Louboutin Sigourney booties are almost Alien-like, but Ms. Weaver would certainly take no prisoners in them.  They are on sale at Barneys for $409, down from $1030.

The aptly named Louboutin Armadillo is $359, down from $895.

Scissor Girl is $539, originally $895.

Buy the Drapiday for $359, originally $895.

And if you can shell out $289 Somewhere will be yours.

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Rachel Jones, that is.

She’s the design force behind RaeJones, a new London-based footwear line that combines eclectic mixtures of material and color to keep you sweetly surprised by her creations.

They’ve got a very 1940s vintage sort of feel to them, but without being fuddy duddy in the slightest.

Like the Clerise in this fab combo of tans and black and leathers of varying finish.

The salaciously named Brothel in this pretty black/plum/tan combination is sure to have passersby whispering behind their hands at your stylishly clad feet.

And I’m totally gaga for these Jig boots in the grape argyle color.

Here’s the catch: they’re not available online.  If you’re a lucky Londoner, you can head to your nearest Poste Mistress and check them out in person.  Or any of these other locations.  Otherwise, looks like it’s time to smile and drool and know that there’s another line of lovely shoes out there, which is really never a bad thing in and of itself.

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Okay, the classic J. Crew mocs, shearling boots, Clarks Wallabees, Marc Jacobs for Vuitton’s Indian feather platforms, the Choo Bill boot and Sylvia shoe boot, and the Tory Burch Minnetonka-mimicking laceups that Shomore wrote about are okay in my book. Things are getting downright primeval on runways and since political correctness doesn’t matter in the world of fashion, I can say it’s fun. I might not be heavily investing in the Native American or aboriginal trends because they’re not my style, but I think it’s kind of cute (delusional, yes, because our culture is so far from native, but cute, especially the MJ for LV collection).

But the land of Trend Native America seems to be verging its embroidered, beaded self on another trend, one that I find slightly disturbing: Wear What Your Grandma Wears. No, not what she wore when she was a hot young thing. Wear What She Wears NOW. Laced-up orthopedic-looking oxfords that look more like nurses’ shoes than Come Hither Hello Nurses.

What is the deal with Grandma Chic? How do you weigh in on it? This is a trend I just can’t get down with. It makes me feel slightly nauseous. Dressing older for your age is just not something I think you need to do unless you are putting on old age makeup for a role in Arsenic and Old Lace or The Music Man.

While walking by Urban Outfitters in the Marina, I saw this. We knew this was coming from the Fall 2008 shows from designers like D&G, which featured frumpy cardigans and frilly high-necked blouses, but you know if it’s in Urban Outfitters it has reached the Ultimate Point of Commodification. Tell me if I’m wrong, but is that my grandmother’s attic that Urban Outfitters has accidentally dumped upon its table?

I don’t think that the shoes are awful in and of themselves, though they hardly inspire one iota of lustaceous shoe taxis in me. I think they’d be fine with a more sophisticated or polished outfit to balance them out, like a bowtie blouson with an airy silhouette and a pair of wide leg soft blue denims. But too much Grandma Chic in one outfit and you start looking like that girl in high school who lived at the local vintage shop and had nothing in her wardrobe beyond 1959. Please don’t be that girl this year, unless you were born in 1939.

For now, I’ll be sticking with the Prep School Cute (Urban Outfitters is also putting that trend in heavy rotation, of course, to cover all their bases). Penny loafers and a sassy blazer might remind me of my boarding school days, but I’d rather remember those days than think I see my grandma every time I look in the mirror. I’ll just skip the plaid kilt/miniskirt to maintain my dignity.

Luckily, if you insist on carrying a posey-embroidered grandma bag, you can match it with a structured minijupe, the Agent Provocateur Maitresse perfume on display, and these fierce gold or black bandage-booties for a little irony of the ages. And I wouldn’t wear a vintage heart locket or cameo necklace with that, unless it says “Fierce Grandma” on it.

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