To be completely honest with you, both of these booties kinda scare me. On the one hand, you have the fierce two-tone patent Yves Saint Laurent booties with a solid wood heel vaguely fashioned after a beating stick, and on the other, ominous-looking Givenchy peep-toe booties, ever-so-slightly reminiscent of a fat elephant’s trunk.

Can you imagine their dialog if they ever find themselves alone in a showroom together?

YSL: Hey, Dumbo. Whaaaaz happening?

Givenchy: Hey, who are you talking Dumbo, butt-stick?

YSL: You must spend a lot of time lacing up, lacing up, lacing up…

G.: Listen up, Pinocchio. You think you’re smart but you know what? You haven’t even got a peep-toe hole. That’s right. You’re soooo last season.

YSL: Hey, peep-show, see this patent tip? It has a lead core and it’s reinforced with industrial-grade rubber. You’re going to find that out the hard way when I step on your peeps.

G.: And you have yet to experience of the awesome fierceness of my 200-lb heels. Do you see this? Wait, let me turn around: is that better? I can crush you like a roach.

YSL: Awww. We should get married and have a small army of warrior-booties together.

….and I believe they lived happily ever after.

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This season, designers seem to have a penchant for  interesting but highly impractical locations for heels placement.   Marc Jacobs reintroduced the backward/inverted heel and the missing heel has been done by Antonio Berardi. So what location haven’t we covered? Ah yes, what about the reverse heel by Jil Sander. For only $575, you’ll get a shoe with zero arch support.

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Sometimes, I stumble upon footwear that is so oxymoronic in nature that all I can do is … stare. And scratch my head in hopes it will directly massage my brain in order to warm it up for this type of stylistic gymnastics:

Sheer mesh booties. Yes, for grown-ups. They do exist.

I have to say, they’re on a par with these rabbit fur sandals (by Zanotti, no less):

See, that’s reason no. 1,423, 204th to love shoes, right there: they expand immeasurably your “Who would have thunk” mental catalog.

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In honor of the MSN search of the day for Ugly Shoes (hurry, that link is not going to be there for too long, and it really does have some real gems)–I bring you not one, but two Very Ugly Shoes:

Type Z legwarmer sandals (???):

Zinc burlap pumps:

They’re both uncomfortable and hideous. What a double whammy!

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Ok, so the twins of DSquared2 put on in Milan this week a sexy-librarian show with tight pencil skirts, plaid, tacky fishnets and mile-high stiletto heels that we’re supposed to fall gaga over. You will excuse me if I don’t. For one, yeah, yeah, I know, it’s just about every horny man’s fantasy, and as such, is as trite and commonplace as it can be. For another, even the models couldn’t keep these anklebreakers on their feet and several, in fact, paraded on the runway while holding the shoes in their hands. ‘Cause everybody knows that’s the oh-so-sexy alternative to the sexy ankle-cast! Brrrrr! One reviewer for Style.com called this trend “sinister eroticism”–it has seeped into every collection for the fall, and it’s something to be mulled over.

On the other hand, I thought the lightning bolt heel was pretty cool. You know, if it was about 4 inches lower or something.

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