Possible scenarios in which I would wear bicolor flat women’s oxfords a la this Tapeet by Vicini model ($499 at Zappos):
1. I am an extra in a remake of The Untouchables. In drag.
2. They are offered to me as a “designer rental” option at a bowling alley.
3. I was asked by a famous photographer to pose as a man so I can be featured in his next show (a la Charlotte in Sex and the City).
4. I have to choose between them or 6-inch hooker heels to fast-walk on cobbled streets in a charming mountain resort in Europe. I choose personal safety, but I’m not happy about it.
5. It’s Halloween, and I’m going as the Chicago cast.
6. I am part of the cast of a bizarre reality show in which I have to spend 10 million dollars in 1 hour. I buy everything on the Zappos website, and these are in the mix.
7. I am a model on the catwalk and that’s what a gender-bending transgressive designer wants me to wear.
8. I have been hit in the head repeatedly and I have no sense of right, wrong, or style.
But really, I’m running out of options here. I am tapped out. I cannot think of any more respectable situations in which I could be persuaded to wear these. I’m sorry, flat oxford movement, but I’m guessing you’re not for me.